3 Tips for Handling Disappointment with Others

You may have someone in your life who you love with every ounce of your heart. A good friend from high school or college. A family member. A significant other. Whoever that someone is, you may have felt frustrated when they snapped at you suddenly, backed out of your plans (again…), left you out of something important, or simply haven’t been there when you really needed them. You may have even thought:
 
If only I could just get so and so to show up once in a while…
If only I could just make so and so prioritize our relationship…
If only so and so would just hear me out…

You know how the story goes. If only so and so would change, everything would be different. 
 
The problem is you can’t change so and so. And I know you know this.

So what do you do? How do you react when disappointment calls?

Do you just let your friend walk all over you? Do you accept being flaked out on all the time? Do you let that guy keep treating you like you are a pawn in his game?
 
First and foremost, heck no! We have to own and claim how we want others to treat us and we do this by showing them what’s okay and what’s not okay. This is not okay. 
 
However, we are talking about people who we care about deeply and it is no easy task when so and so is someone you love.

Here are my top 3 tips for handling disappointment:

1. Understand what is happening.  

What’s happening on so and so’s end? Do you know? Have you asked? I always go to this place FIRST because so many times we assume what is happening and get caught up in the game. We create a fictitious story and completely run with it, convincing ourselves our version is true. Stop that right now. When was the last time you used your voice to find out what is going on? Oftentimes I find out that there’s more to the story than I am aware of. Way more. Find out. Ask questions. Use your voice.

2. Wait until you are in a rational place to talk.

We have to make sure we are not asking questions when we are frustrated. Wait until some time has passed and you are calm. Guaranteed that when you show up from a place of love and understanding, you’ll be able to react in a way that actually helps you create more of what you are wanting. It’s easiest to protect ourselves from pain by getting upset and pushing those away who hurt us. But sometimes those who hurt us are the very people we love. They aren’t bad people. They love us just as much and we typically have overall positive relationships with them. Yet, if we can subtly remind ourselves in those moments of frustration that we have the power to control what’s on our end of the relationship, we can choose to respond from a place of love and understanding to learn more about what’s going on for them.

3. Avoid “why” questions.  

Your goal is to understand what’s going on with so and so. If we jump to a question that starts with “why,” we are likely to put others on the defense. Think about the last time you asked so and so why they didn’t show up, why they weren’t there, or why they never call? So and so is likely to get very defensive and pull farther away from you. Remember, we want to create connection. We want to understand what’s actually happening, so it’s key that we start with questions that help us achieve this. I recommend starting off with a “what” question. Here’s an example of how this may sound:
 
What’s been going on lately? I’ve noticed you haven’t been around as much. Is everything okay? 

Remember these tips to help you stay emotionally in control.

By doing so, you are creating a tiny bit of space between the feeling of frustration and your reaction, and that’s where the real power lives.

Your attention shifts from being mad at so and so, to wanting to understand what is happening with so and so. There’s a big difference here. One lives in frustration and anger while the other lives in compassion. 
 
I know which one I respond best to. Do you?

How to Break Free From Your Rigid Rules Right Now

We all have rules, or better yet, guidelines in the way we live our lives.

In fact, it is helpful to have them as they keep us on track as we navigate our days. Rules that are realistic and flexible serve us positively. These are the kinds of rules we want to be sure are guiding our days. 
 
There are signs though when it’s time to cross-check our rules to re-evaluate how they are serving us. Key indicators are feelings of disappointment and criticism. These feelings may be pointed inwardly at ourselves, or possibly towards others.

We may have rules about:

• a right way or a wrong way to do things

• how often to work out

• what we eat or don’t eat, when we eat, etc.

• what it means to be the best

• how tidy our home is supposed to be

• how late we stay up

We all have our own individual set of rules. What are yours? Once you have identified them, take a quick inventory to assess where you are at with each one.

Ask yourself:

• Are any of my rules rigid? 

• How do I react when my rules are broken?

• How do I feel about myself when I do not adhere to my rules? 

• How do I feel and react when other people get in the way of my rules or break them?

When we know what our rules are and how they impact us, we can bring some awareness around the ones that need our attention. For example, let’s say I have a rule about the right way to fold clothes. When my husband folds them, I get frustrated that they are folded wrong and react by huffing and puffing that now I have to fold them all over again. So instead of being loving and kind towards my husband, if I hold this rule about folding clothes, I would react in a disappointed way towards him. This reaction would likely cause my husband to feel disappointed in return that his attempt to be helpful completely backfired. [Poor hubby.]
 
Sound familiar?
 
It’s essential that we create a routine for checking in with ourselves from time to time to assess where things have become rigid. By creating more awareness around our rules, we can act more accordingly with what we want. 
 
Flexibility is key. 
 
Truthfully, we are the ones who suffer most when we hold such rigid ways for being in the world. We are the ones who are having an internal frenzy about what’s right and wrong, good and bad, etc. We are the ones who give a care.

I can’t tell you enough how much it drives me crazy when I hear intelligent, competent women bonding with each other over how they are going to punish themselves the following the day at the gym by doing extra cardio for enjoying a piece of cake at a party. It makes me sad that this is the culture of rule-abiding that we live in. That we are not allowed to have cake. That we are not allowed to enjoy cake. That if we have cake, we have to reverse it.

So here’s my loving nudge to you: Let go of your rules, darling.

Enjoy an unmade bed once in a while. Eat dinner a little later than usual. Say thank you when your guy buys you tulips, instead of peonies, your favorite.
 
And most importantly. Eat the cake. 
 
And enjoy it!

Why It's Time to Think Differently About Purpose

A few weeks ago I was reading a post written by Sean Lowe (oh, hello former Bachelor cutie) about an interview Ellen Degeneres did with UFC fighter Ronda Rousey.
 
After losing a fight that would strip away her undefeated status, Rousey admitted that she felt suicidal. She said seeing her boyfriend reminded her of her greater purpose in life, which is to have his babies someday. If you haven’t seen the interview, check it out here.
 
Lowe wrote about his hopes for Rousey to find her true identity—one that is beyond a title that rests purely on a child’s shoulders.
 
While I think that it is incredible that in Rousey’s lowest moment, she felt a call to something greater that inevitably helped pull her from despair, I also know that Lowe is completely on point.

When our purpose in the world is dependent on others or titles (Best UFC Fighter in the World, Mom, Manager, Wife, Writer, etc.) we end up putting an unfair amount of pressure on ourselves.    

 
Our purpose has to be greater than this.    
 
We have to have a deeper meaning in life that is not dependent on titles or other people. Sure, aspirations such as becoming a doctor, singer, teacher, mom, writer, etc. are all great.

Why does it matter? What message will you communicate through those titles or roles? What core values will drive how you live your life, with-OR-without the title/role?  When we shift gears by knowing our answers to these questions, we can tap into our greater purpose.   
 
This is no easy task. Growing up, I have vivid memories of wanting to be a teacher and a mom “when I grow up.” We are primed as children to think that having titles and roles equates to success and purpose in life. 
 
I get why we do this. As a former teacher myself, it makes absolute sense why our culture does this as it creates drive and motivation for children as they transition to adulthood.
 
But what happens when you can’t pass the teacher exam? Or you can’t have a baby? Or you haven’t found your soul mate? 

If your worth in the world is dependent on titles and roles, you are setting yourself for massive disappointment when things do not go as planned. 

You might think you aren’t good enough or that something’s wrong with you. And this right here is FALSE my friend. You are greater than what you have and don’t have.

You are greater than your wins and losses.

Don’t be somebody who plays life small and bases your incredible worth on a role or title. You, my friend, are greater than that.

My Top 5 Daily Mantras

A few years back I started a daily activity that has radically changed how I do my day and I want to share it with you today.

I learned it while doing morning yoga. At the end of our practice, we were encouraged by our instructor to set an intention for the day. Eventually our instructor moved locations and I immediately felt her absence. While I missed her hippie vibe (hairy armpits, included!) it was really the simple act of setting an intention for the day that I missed.

So, I decided to do my own morning yoga where I worked this little practice in!  Even though I don’t always have time for yoga, there is one thing I always have time for—and that’s setting an intention for my day. 

It’s pretty simple actually.  I take a minute to close my eyes and just say in my mind how I want to do my day.  

Here are My Top 5 daily mantras:

1. I will be present in my mind and body today.
2. I will fully give myself to others in conversations.
3. I will be loving and kind.
4. I will take good care of me today.
5. I will talk kindly to myself and others throughout the day.

When I was a super busy gal commuting back and forth for two-plus hours daily at my old job, I would do this in the car.  Other times, I would say it while drinking a cup of coffee at my desk. Today, I take a couple of minutes to stretch in the morning and set my intention then. 

How can you incorporate setting an intention into your day?

Where in your day do you have a few moments to yourself to be intentional? 

You’ll hear me say this often, but it takes around 21 days for a new habit to stick.  So, how can you make this part of your routine?  If you need to create a reminder in your phone asking you what your intention is for the day, do it.  Put a post-it note by your computer at your office.  Change your screen saver on your laptop with a quote that reminds you to set an intention. 

Do what is best for you.

3 Steps to Keep Your Calm When Your Buttons Get Pushed

Recently I attended a workshop led by my dear friend and colleague Beth Racine. She presented on the topic of effective listening to a room filled with around 50 men and women ranging in all ages.
 
The overall gist of her presentation was all about keeping your composure when your buttons get pushed. 

Think about the last time someone pushed your buttons.

Where were you and what was happening? How did you feel in the moment? For me, an immediate flash takes me back to last week as I was inside a home my husband and I are considering buying, when I looked outside to find an officer writing up a ticket on my car for parking on the street! How about that for a warm welcome to a new neighborhood? You can imagine the tightness I felt rise up in my chest as it took all that I had to not run out screaming like a crazy person.
 
Can you think of a similar moment when your buttons were pushed? Maybe it was with a colleague, significant other, family member, or a complete stranger on the street? Once you got it, hold onto it.
 
Our initial reaction when we are feeling frustrated is to either fight or flight. We either go into attack mode or completely shut down and walk away. This is totally normal. That’s because when we feel an immediate threat, which is sensed in our brain stems, we go into a state of survival. For me, this was that moment I looked out the window and saw the officer by my car. For the record, I decided to fight, as I swiftly headed over to the officer.
 
After the fight or flight response, we enter into the emotional part of the brain—the limbic system. This is where we react. [Cue the part of me that wanted to scream like a crazy person.]
 
Lastly, the frontal lobe, or pre-frontal cortex is our rational part of the brain. Beth described how in this part of our brains we think clearly, discern choices, access creativity and problem solve with others. As you can imagine, this is where we react with the most intention and respond in a way that helps us feel good about what we are wanting. This is precisely why after some time has passed we can more effectively react and listen.
 
The good news is we can access this rational part of our brains in about 6 seconds.
 
That’s right. Only 6 seconds! But the problem is that we are wired to fight or flight first and react in the emotional part of our brains. Both of these parts by the way, are very “self” and “me” focused. Our rational parts, however, are more “we” focused as we attempt to work with others.
 
So, the key here, is to create some space, roughly 6 seconds of space, to pause and react effectively. This is important as we interact with others so that we avoid jumping to conclusions, acting out of character, or creating tension so that we can maintain a calm, centered space.
 
I’ll leave you with my favorite take-away from the workshop on how to create this space. It’s a coaching tool Beth calls 3-2-1. 

Here’s how it works:

1. Pay attention to the signs your body is giving you. 

Is it a hotness in your chest? Do you feel a tightness in your throat? Do you feel flushed in the face? Notice it because that’s the signal you are about to act a hot mess. As soon as you notice these “check engine lights” as Beth affectionately calls them, you can practice 3-2-1. 

2. In your mind, state 3 things you see, 2 things you hear, and 1 thing to say out loud.

I recommend identifying the word you will say right now to start getting in the habit of this exercise. My word is “LOVE.” It is a reminder to respond from a place of love and understanding, which I am NOT experiencing while in the fight or flight and emotional state, so that once those 6 seconds pass and I'm in my rational mind I can react more effectively.

3.Reflect and repeat! 

It is very important to get into a rhythm of reflecting on our behavior. How do you feel after engaging in an uncomfortable chat with someone? How do you feel about your behavior, or personal response? It is all information for us moving forward so we can show up with even more intention for the next encounter.
 
So, let’s get out there and try it. Surprise the people in your life next time by responding mindfully with some emotional control. While we can’t control how others will respond to us, we can maintain the peace on our ends and feel better about how WE respond.