3 Tips for Handling Disappointment with Others

You may have someone in your life who you love with every ounce of your heart. A good friend from high school or college. A family member. A significant other. Whoever that someone is, you may have felt frustrated when they snapped at you suddenly, backed out of your plans (again…), left you out of something important, or simply haven’t been there when you really needed them. You may have even thought:
 
If only I could just get so and so to show up once in a while…
If only I could just make so and so prioritize our relationship…
If only so and so would just hear me out…

You know how the story goes. If only so and so would change, everything would be different. 
 
The problem is you can’t change so and so. And I know you know this.

So what do you do? How do you react when disappointment calls?

Do you just let your friend walk all over you? Do you accept being flaked out on all the time? Do you let that guy keep treating you like you are a pawn in his game?
 
First and foremost, heck no! We have to own and claim how we want others to treat us and we do this by showing them what’s okay and what’s not okay. This is not okay. 
 
However, we are talking about people who we care about deeply and it is no easy task when so and so is someone you love.

Here are my top 3 tips for handling disappointment:

1. Understand what is happening.  

What’s happening on so and so’s end? Do you know? Have you asked? I always go to this place FIRST because so many times we assume what is happening and get caught up in the game. We create a fictitious story and completely run with it, convincing ourselves our version is true. Stop that right now. When was the last time you used your voice to find out what is going on? Oftentimes I find out that there’s more to the story than I am aware of. Way more. Find out. Ask questions. Use your voice.

2. Wait until you are in a rational place to talk.

We have to make sure we are not asking questions when we are frustrated. Wait until some time has passed and you are calm. Guaranteed that when you show up from a place of love and understanding, you’ll be able to react in a way that actually helps you create more of what you are wanting. It’s easiest to protect ourselves from pain by getting upset and pushing those away who hurt us. But sometimes those who hurt us are the very people we love. They aren’t bad people. They love us just as much and we typically have overall positive relationships with them. Yet, if we can subtly remind ourselves in those moments of frustration that we have the power to control what’s on our end of the relationship, we can choose to respond from a place of love and understanding to learn more about what’s going on for them.

3. Avoid “why” questions.  

Your goal is to understand what’s going on with so and so. If we jump to a question that starts with “why,” we are likely to put others on the defense. Think about the last time you asked so and so why they didn’t show up, why they weren’t there, or why they never call? So and so is likely to get very defensive and pull farther away from you. Remember, we want to create connection. We want to understand what’s actually happening, so it’s key that we start with questions that help us achieve this. I recommend starting off with a “what” question. Here’s an example of how this may sound:
 
What’s been going on lately? I’ve noticed you haven’t been around as much. Is everything okay? 

Remember these tips to help you stay emotionally in control.

By doing so, you are creating a tiny bit of space between the feeling of frustration and your reaction, and that’s where the real power lives.

Your attention shifts from being mad at so and so, to wanting to understand what is happening with so and so. There’s a big difference here. One lives in frustration and anger while the other lives in compassion. 
 
I know which one I respond best to. Do you?

Why It's Okay to NOT Have a Niche

As a life coach, the moment I entered the game, I heard from every blog, article, training, and peer in the industry that I’d need to choose a niche market. You got to have focus. You got to know your audience. You have to choose.

For the last two years, this is precisely what I set out to do. 

Choose a niche. 

I started by exploring how I felt working with different groups of people. 

Here’s where it got confusing. I felt myself come alive in various ways while working with many different groups. 

How will I ever decide on a niche market if I can’t let go of the other groups I love working with?

This is where reality set in.

Why do we have to zero in on just one of set of our passions and let the rest go?

Can’t you be a lawyer AND teach dance class on the weekends? Or a marketing manager AND a fashion blogger? Or a social worker AND Spanish tutor?

Whatever it is, let's lean in and listen to it. Let's go for the things we enjoy and welcome them into our lives fully. I am not saying choosing a niche is right or wrong. I am saying that if you happen to fall into a multi-passionate lane, that that is okay too.

It’s scary to veer from the safe course. When we take risks and follow our passions, we gift ourselves with the opportunity to come out on the other side happier and stronger than ever. 

We have to listen and hear what we want.

We have to go for it.

How to Break Free From Your Rigid Rules Right Now

We all have rules, or better yet, guidelines in the way we live our lives.

In fact, it is helpful to have them as they keep us on track as we navigate our days. Rules that are realistic and flexible serve us positively. These are the kinds of rules we want to be sure are guiding our days. 
 
There are signs though when it’s time to cross-check our rules to re-evaluate how they are serving us. Key indicators are feelings of disappointment and criticism. These feelings may be pointed inwardly at ourselves, or possibly towards others.

We may have rules about:

• a right way or a wrong way to do things

• how often to work out

• what we eat or don’t eat, when we eat, etc.

• what it means to be the best

• how tidy our home is supposed to be

• how late we stay up

We all have our own individual set of rules. What are yours? Once you have identified them, take a quick inventory to assess where you are at with each one.

Ask yourself:

• Are any of my rules rigid? 

• How do I react when my rules are broken?

• How do I feel about myself when I do not adhere to my rules? 

• How do I feel and react when other people get in the way of my rules or break them?

When we know what our rules are and how they impact us, we can bring some awareness around the ones that need our attention. For example, let’s say I have a rule about the right way to fold clothes. When my husband folds them, I get frustrated that they are folded wrong and react by huffing and puffing that now I have to fold them all over again. So instead of being loving and kind towards my husband, if I hold this rule about folding clothes, I would react in a disappointed way towards him. This reaction would likely cause my husband to feel disappointed in return that his attempt to be helpful completely backfired. [Poor hubby.]
 
Sound familiar?
 
It’s essential that we create a routine for checking in with ourselves from time to time to assess where things have become rigid. By creating more awareness around our rules, we can act more accordingly with what we want. 
 
Flexibility is key. 
 
Truthfully, we are the ones who suffer most when we hold such rigid ways for being in the world. We are the ones who are having an internal frenzy about what’s right and wrong, good and bad, etc. We are the ones who give a care.

I can’t tell you enough how much it drives me crazy when I hear intelligent, competent women bonding with each other over how they are going to punish themselves the following the day at the gym by doing extra cardio for enjoying a piece of cake at a party. It makes me sad that this is the culture of rule-abiding that we live in. That we are not allowed to have cake. That we are not allowed to enjoy cake. That if we have cake, we have to reverse it.

So here’s my loving nudge to you: Let go of your rules, darling.

Enjoy an unmade bed once in a while. Eat dinner a little later than usual. Say thank you when your guy buys you tulips, instead of peonies, your favorite.
 
And most importantly. Eat the cake. 
 
And enjoy it!

Why It's Time to Think Different About Balance

Things had been going so well.

I was on point with all the things.  Writing.  Client meetings.  Sleep.  Eating well. Exercise. Attending social events. 

Then BAM.

Something came along that wasn’t planned. 

It wasn’t part of the things.  And it threw me off.

I rescheduled social events and meetings.  Writing was postponed.  Exercise fell by the wayside.

I tend to sway when things don’t go as planned.  I grant myself permission to not be so on point with things as I gradually I ease back into my routines.  But after a few days, I can get hard on myself.  The perfectionist part of my personality shows up and wants to get back on track.  Now! And naturally, the laid-back, right-brain part of me puts up a fit and prefers to just let things be.  No rush, lady.

This all-or-nothing response can show up in many ways. 
 

For some people, it might be with a diet.  You eat completely clean or it’s a free-for-all.   You work, work, work, work, work, work (thanks for the verbiage, Ri,Ri…) and have ZERO social life.  You consistently exercise or you don’t go to the gym at all.

These are prime examples of all-or-nothing and the very real struggle of work-life balance.

But what if we thought differently about balance? 

What if, balance really is all about the moving parts?

The ups, the downs, the all, and the nothing? What if all of it is part of balance?

I heard an incredible visual recently when thinking about balance that ties in yoga.  When in Mountain Pose, both feet are planted firmly on the ground, and yet, if you pay close attention, you’ll notice your body kind of naturally circles and pivots round and round.  Occasionally, you will notice you are completely hovered over center, and then you continue to sway around the center point.

We feel our very best when we are perfectly centered, and things are going right on point. 

Yet, if we recognize the swaying as part of the balancing, we can be a little kinder to ourselves and recognize we are still balanced.  

We are still standing.  We may have veered a little over to one side more than the other, but we’re still up. 

How To Deal When A Friendship Has Changed

A few months ago I was working with a client on dealing with some icky things she was going through with a friend.  Some of her frustrations included:

• Her friend not hanging out as much anymore.

• Her friend not responding to texts and calls.

• Her friend constantly canceling plans.

I could go on and on.  I personally felt every frustration my client felt.  I knew she was doing everything in her might to keep the friendship going and her friend just wasn’t having it.  
 
The friendship had changed. 
 
And this realization hurt.

In my experience, there are two ways we can approach this situation:

1. We can allow our frustration to drive how we interact with our friend.  

Pissed she’s bailing, again?  Sad she hasn’t responded to your text in about a month?  This might sound like, “I’m really disappointed you can’t go" or "You never call anymore."
 

2. We can take what our friend is GIVING us in terms of a friendship and run with it.

This is the harder option I know.  This means focusing on the positive.  "I'm so glad we found a day that works for us to hang!" or "It means a ton to catch up."  This also means leaving your anger at the door.

What type of response would make you want to hang out again?

I know we learn throughout our lives how important it is to voice our feelings and be assertive.  And trust me, I am a total advocate of this.  But when you're in this situation, you've got to be careful that your anger isn't in the driver's seat.  Otherwise, you will most definitely push your friend away.   

If your goal is to keep this friend in your life, then the aim should be on letting go of what you cannot change and focusing on enjoying and treasuring the times you do have together.
 
You can tell your friend that you miss spending time with her or that you feel bummed about not hanging out as much, but I strongly encourage you to communicate these feelings when your anger has passed and you feel more in control of your own emotions. 

Remember that you are not the same person you were yesterday, last year, or 5 years ago, and neither is your friend. 

Just as you are changing, she is too.

Notice it.  Accept it.  And more importantly, focus in on being the kind of friend you ultimately wish she was to you.