5 Steps to Holding Space with Your People

Holding space with someone is one of the most important gifts we can give to the people we love and care about when they are experiencing profound loss, pain, or suffering.

And yet, so many times we fail to do this.

We turn to our inner fixers. We try to jump in and “save” the person in our efforts to comfort them while offering up our lackluster solutions.

What I am learning through the work I do with my coaching clients is that people just want a safe space to unravel, to reveal what scares them, and to share what gets in their way.  Simply meeting them right where they are at, with no effort to try to fix or change their situation, is the most supportive thing we can do.

I have experienced this first hand within my friendships as well.

I can think of a recent time in my life where I felt fear over a health situation that presented itself with many unknowns. I really wanted to talk to a friend about it.

The friend I chose to share it with was someone I have always felt immense safety to be vulnerable. She is somebody who truly listens and offers an empathetic, warm and trusting space to be me, even when my emotions are messy and are all over the place.

Think about it. You are not going to share your fears, your pain, your soul, with someone who does not really listen. If you find yourself repeating the thing that is already very hard to discuss, or find that your vulnerability is met with unwanted solutions,

Oftentimes when someone jumps in to their inner fixer mode, it is usually because they themselves are feeling very uncomfortable. Naturally, the desire to take away the pain triggers them into fixing mode. However, for people who hold space, they understand that while the moment is uncomfortable, it is real, and it deserves to be let out.

So the next time you find yourself in a situation where someone is vulnerably coming to you, remember these essential steps in holding space:

1.   Notice their vulnerability as a sign of their trust with you. Celebrate this fact in your mind for a moment, and really take stock of how important it is that you show up right now in this moment fully for your friend.

2.   Remember this is not about you. As uncomfortable as it might be that someone you love and care about is completely unraveling before you, remember step #1. By them coming to, it is a sign of their trust in you. They need some major love and compassion right now. Be there for them.

3.   Offer your comforting ear and really listen. Hear their pains. Hear that worries. Hear their sadness. Whatever is coming up through their physical state or words, just simply notice it. Be in the space with your friend.

4.   When they are completely done speaking, say things like:  

• “I hate that you are going through this right now.”

• “You are loved more than you know.”

• “I am here with you.”

• Nothing at all. (Yep, sometimes just being there, offering a hug, and sitting through the silence is absolutely everything.)

5.   Ask how you can help. Do not do this until the very end of holding space. Remember, holding space is about really being with your friend in the moment they are needing you most where you are the listener and they are free to be. Sometimes we resort to the statement “let me know what you need” when we find out someone is going through a tough time. We can do better than that.  Ask your friend specifically what you can do or how you can support them. And more likely than not, the safe space you provide with your friend will be the very thing they want and need most from you.

5 Steps to Get Out of a Funk

We have all been there. You know, where things are going well and smooth, and then you notice either gradually over time or it suddenly hits you hard that you have been in a funk. You are not in your normal flow. You are not tending to your usual self-care things. You are not feeling like your best you.

I know this feeling all too well. I will have strides of productivity, strides of momentum with my health and fitness (drinking water like a champ, getting my morning workouts in), and an overall peace and positivity within. And then gradually, I will start to notice I skip one workout, then two. I procrastinate on important projects. I wake up feeling a fog hanging over me. 

These are cues that help alert me that I am in a funk, and it is time to make some shifts to help bring me back to feeling my best. The next time you find yourself in a similar place, I want to share with you my top 5 tips for getting back in alignment and out of a funk:

1. Make a Stop-Doing List. Think about how you are spending your time in your day. What specific tasks and activities are you doing that you think are contributing to how you feel? Are you spending too much mindless time on social media? Are you watching lots of TV and laying around on the couch? What are the things? Write them down if they aren't serving you and make a commitment to stop doing them now, or at least set some parameters around how much you are doing them. If you want some help with this, grab my FREE Daily Routine Workbook that is my go-to for helping you create your own peaceful daily rhythm. You can check it out here!

2. Create a Morning Routine. As human beings, we love and crave routine. Think of any baby, any young child, and you will see how deeply they thrive in environments that are highly predictable and regular. As adults, we need the same thing. It can be as simple as making your bed every morning, drinking a warm cup of coffee, reading scripture or your favorite self-help book, or taking a walk outside. Whatever your activity or set of activities are, it is critical that you do them, and you do them daily. (Curious why it matters? Check out this post!) I try to choose things that I can do wherever I am. When you are feeling off, or feeling in a funk, it is crucial to reflect on your mornings. How are you waking up? What actions start out your day? 

3. Check in with Yourself. Oftentimes, we go, go, go and get into these habits of not checking in with ourselves. We have to pause and ask what we are needing and how we are feeling. From journaling, to practicing mindfulness, to checking in with a coach, friend or therapist, there are a number of helpful resources and tools out there to help you create habits and awareness around noticing your feelings. 

4. Wake Up with a Positive Mindset. To really shift ourselves out of a funk, we need to be sure we are waking up feeling grounded and calm before we do anything in our day. It all starts with how we start! So why not start in a positive, loving place? I always love a feel-good mantra to wake up to, but to really take it a step further, I recommend printing and posting my Top 10 Morning Mindset Rituals Checklist to help get you in the right headspace first thing when you wake up. Get yours for FREE here!

5. Be Extra Kind to Yourself. When we are in a funk, oftentimes our most important things get pushed to the side. Be easy on yourself when you make the realization you have been feeling off. Just as it took some time to fall off track, it takes time to get back on. So be extra kind to yourself in your mind and with your self-talk when you are noticing you are not feeling your best. You will get there. Start slow with each one of these steps and you will be on your way love!

When It's Time to Let Go of a Friendship

I have a really good friend. 

A friend who I love with every ounce of my heart. She is positive, witty and fun, smart, caring, and understanding. We’ve been friends for years and have so much in common. We like the same things, laugh at the same things. Hopefully you know exactly what I’m talking about because you have this kind of friend too.

Here’s where it gets tough to talk about though. This friend, for as amazing as she is, has also let me down a lot over the last year. She doesn’t call like she used to. She backs out of our get-togethers often. She seems to not have time for me like she used to. 

I’ve tried on my end to reach out, to understand what may be coming up for her in her own life that might be getting in the way. I’ve considered what I might be doing or not doing that could be pushing her away. Is it me? Is there something she is distancing herself from? I could keep going on with every possibility I’ve considered as to why it feels like I’m losing one of my best friends. 

Maybe at this point you might be wondering if I have asked her directly what’s going on. And the answer is yes. There have been multiple times where something personal has been going on in her life that has prevented her from being there. But at what point do you have to wonder if she’s being totally honest with you about it? If she really is busy or going through that really personal thing or just can’t make it this time. At what point do you have to get really honest with yourself and say how much longer am I going to allow myself to be hurt by this friend?

This is the tough question. At what point is it time to let go? How do you let go when it is someone you really care about?

I’ve been avoiding this question. And avoidance is usually the number one indicator that something is wrong. (Anyone else with me in totally avoiding the things we oftentimes know we must do?)

It’s time, guys. I know this friendship needs my attention. I have to take care of me. I love this friend dearly, and by no means am I cutting her out of my life, but I know that I have to stop expecting so much from her. I will continue to be there for her when she needs me, but I will stop setting myself up for disappointment by thinking she will come through. I will take what this friend is willing to offer me in terms of a friendship and expect nothing more. I will celebrate when we are together and enjoy my time with her. But I will not allow myself to get hurt by my own expectations of her being the friend I used to know. That friend has changed, and that’s okay, because I’ve changed too. We grow up, and we change. If we can grow up and change together, that is the ideal, but both people have to fully open themselves up to growing and changing together. One person all in just doesn’t cut it.    

Maybe you can relate? Is there a friend in your life currently, or from your past, who you’ve had to let go of? I think we can give ourselves a little compassion in knowing that this is part of the journey and process of change and time doing its thing.

These experiences make me feel grateful for the people in my life who do continuously show up and meet me in the middle. These are the people who I want to pull even closer into my life. 

Letting go is no easy thing. Recognizing the part of us that is hurt and saddened by the loss of the friendship, we can begin to heal without any anger or resentment. Instead we hold a space of love for what once was while simultaneously moving forward.

How to Deal with Fake Nice People

When she smiles at you, but her eyes tell a different story.
When she walks by and says hey, but her body language is frosty.
When she makes that teeny, tiny dig at you with her sweet as pie tone.

I’m talking about fake nice people.

Within the last week alone, I have had several women in my life reach out about tough situations they have encountered with others.

It’s like a new wave of mean girls have emerged, but worse in a way, because they are masked in their nice girl exterior.

I think most people who have been the target of some fake-nicery, would agree that these people are not bad people. Many of these women are typically great to be around. So, what gives? What is up with the fake-niceness? 

For starters, I think we all struggle with confrontation from time to time (myself included). But when efforts to avoid it and positive intentions to brush it under the rug backfire, true feelings buried away start to burst at the seams. Maybe deep down, there are hurt feelings somewhere, or feelings of frustration and fear. Either way, there IS something brewing inside and for some people, it shows up in the form of fake niceness.

So, how do you deal when you are the target?

I always like to think about my choices (because, yes, we certainly have them!) What choices do you have in the situation? The most transparent choice that pops up in my mind when dealing with fake nice behavior is simply to ignore it. While I think this option can be the most effective in certain situations, it all depends on the relationship. If we are talking about someone you have very limited contact with, then this seems like a viable option. However, if you work closely with the person, or if the person is a friend or family member who you interact with frequently, then I think you may need to consider option 2, which is to care to confront.

When I think of caring to confront, it means getting in touch with the part of you that really wants to problem solve and make the situation better. When you deal with fake niceness, you might feel trapped in a way because if others are present, it might seem to them like everything is just fine—and this is certainly the message someone who is being fake nice wants to portray. But you feel the tension, or the sting of their body language or undertones telling you how they really feel. It is frustrating because you care about this relationship. You can’t get it out of your mind because you know you do not want to continue feeling the disconnect or discomfort. Do not go to option 2 if you are in the heat of the moment. (Learn how to create some pause by checking out a post I wrote previously here). After you digest what has happened and how you are feeling, you can address the situation later.

When you are ready to address the situation, I recommend using DEAR MAN[1]. It is an acronym in DBT, Dialectical Behavior Therapy, that goes a little something like this:

Describe: Describe the situation to the person, while sticking to facts only
Express: Express your feelings and opinions about the situation
Assert: Assert what you want or are saying no to
Reinforce: Reinforce the positive effects of getting what you want or need

(Stay) Mindful: Keep your focus, do not get lost in the other person’s comments
Appear Confident: Stand your ground, keep your voice steady, and make eye contact
Negotiate: Work with the other person to meet at common ground; be willing to give some

The idea here is to state the facts, share your feelings, assert what you want, and be willing to completely hear the other person out. Here is a quick example:

“Hey Corinne, can we chat? [DESCRIBE] You know when we were having lunch the other day? I was talking about taking a trip with my husband this winter and when I glanced at you, I saw that you made a look over at Tina. [EXPRESS] I am worried that maybe I said something that might have rubbed you the wrong way. [ASSERT] I want to be sure that we are all good [REINFORCE] so our friendship can keep feeling awesome.”

Sometimes other people, even the fake nice ones, need us to show them how their words or actions are impacting us. Let’s not be afraid to confront the people we care about. I think the key thing to remember is that we have choices. When someone hurts us with their words or behavior towards us, we can look at it and go, “what is really bothering me here?” and “how can I help myself in this situation?” Sometimes the best option is to keep the peace through letting it go, and sometimes the best option is to keep the peace by caring to confront.  Notice the similarity in both scenarios? Both are rooted in keeping the peace. You can’t go wrong either way with an intention like that. 

[1] From DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition, by Marsha M. Linehan

It's time to take inventory of your tribe

Who are the people who make up your tribe? Maybe you’ve got a handsome guy in your life, family members, friends?

Whoever your people are, take a quick inventory and ask yourself the following questions:

Do they build you up?
Do they make you want to be the best version of yourself?
Do they inspire you by how they live their own lives? 

If you answered yes to all of these questions, then you’ve got yourself one heck of a tribe! For any person in your life who you answered no, don’t worry, I got you. 

We want the people we interact with on a daily basis to bring out our best selves. We want to feel good when we are around them, and we want to walk away feeling inspired and energized from being in their presence. A few years back, I had a friend who was like family. We hung out together all the time, got along great and were always there for each other. But then, some time went by, we both traveled, and eventually we grew apart. When we came back, the things around us were the same, but we were not. Our friendship had changed. I suddenly found that my answer was ‘no’ to all those questions above when I thought about my friendship with this particular friend. Knowing that I cannot change other people, I gradually let her go. Was there ever a hard conversation around it? No. We simply went our separate ways. To this day we have a very amicable and friendly surface level relationship which I think we are both okay with. We can look back on the days when we were attached at the hip with fondness and good laughs, but also honor where we are in our lives today, separately.

I’m sharing this with you because there might be some people in your life who you are realizing you are having a similar disconnect with. I want to remind you to give yourself permission to let these people go if you know deep down this is not a positive relationship. I have experienced this before with very close family members as well. There are some people who I have distanced myself from completely because of the toxicity. There are others who I see at gatherings only. The point is, it is a two-way street, and if on your side of the street you are feeling discouraged and drained, then it might be time to turn a corner and say goodbye once and for all. 

Hopefully, you likely will not have many, if any, people in your life who you need to set such hard boundaries with.  More than likely, you have a few people you can think of who you are wishing you had stronger, more enriching relationships with. 

The best thing you can do is look at the qualities in them that you love and appreciate and gravitate towards those. What kinds of situations bring out the best in them?  When are they displaying the qualities you love? Those are the kinds of settings to meet them in. Get clear on what circumstances bring out the qualities in them you wish to avoid. Create distance when it comes to those specific circumstances. In other words, stay away from them in those instances.

If we want to have a resounding ‘yes’ for all three of those questions when it comes to our tribe, we have to identify what it is that we are wanting from our tribe in the first place. What kind of qualities do we want to see in our people?

Are you living those very qualities out in your own life? In many ways, this all breaks down to the law of attraction.

You attract what you choose to focus on. If you want to be around other passionate, energetic people, you have to create more passion and energy within yourself. I know this might come off as such a simple idea, but we both know it is the furthest from it. These are the specific things I work on with my clients, and they take time. But it does work. It absolutely works.