How to BFF Your Inner-Critic

I had a really important conversation with a coaching client recently. She shared how growing up, she constantly heard messages from her mom and sister about how unhappy they were with their bodies. The comments went a little something like:

Why did I eat that?

Look at this chub (while pinching their stomach)

I'm going to gain weight if I keep eating like this

I better go to the gym and burn this off (as they eat a piece of pizza)

I hate the way my nose looks

And the list goes on.

My heart broke a little as she shared this with me because I know we all know someone in our lives who says these very types of comments.  If you're like me, that someone may have been, or might be yourself.

In my late teens, I was surrounded by women who nagged at their bodies, complained about their weight, and even at times, commented on my own. Later, in my early twenties, these kind of behaviors quickly became a part of how I perceived and interacted with my own body.

Self-care was not something I practiced, nor even knew about. I rode the wave of my life in unaware motions and the relationship I had with my body was a very unhealthy one. The comments above were part of a very mean, inner-dialogue that truthfully, I had no idea even existed.

It was not until I started practicing mindfulness. Learning tools to create more self-awareness allowed me to start observing what was being said in my mind- and it was not very nice.

We have enough going on around us in our lives, and when we adopt an inner dialogue that is mean and negative, we become our worst critic. I knew I would never in a million years talk to a friend the way I was talking to myself. Let's play out the comments from above for a minute as if they were said to a friend.  

Why did you eat that?

Look at your chub

You're going to gain weight if you keep eating like that

You better go to the gym and burn off that pizza

I hate the way your nose looks

Just typing these in reverse makes me mad! I cannot imagine ever saying these kinds of things to anyone. For that reason, when I hear other women I am with critiquing the way their bodies look, or ridiculing themselves for eating (for eating!!!), or judging another woman's body shape, I challenge myself to say something. I do not want to be somebody who quietly observes these situations and sits back and watches. It is not genuine or authentic bonding and camaraderie. 

If you are finding yourself in a situation where you hear comments like these from the people you are with, or are realizing that your inner dialogue is quite similar, you can do something to change it. While you cannot change another person’s beliefs, you can speak up and offer up your own views as another perspective. Give them something kinder to think about.

Ready to BFF your inner-critic? Try these two activities below now.

Journal exercise: Go back to the negative comments list and write out what you would say for each comment if a friend said them to you. 

Bonus: Actually say them out loud next time you hear them in real-time; whether to someone else, or kindly back to yourself.

Why It's Time to Answer This Question Honestly

How do you respond when someone asks, “how are you?” 

Good.
Okay.
Alright.

But, really, love.

How are you?

Are you good?
Are you okay?
Are you alright?

These responses are so commonly spoken that even when we are not good, okay, or alright, we find ourselves saying so anyway. 

Recently, I have been thinking a lot about how we answer this question after receiving a beautiful email and blog request from a dear friend.

Her perspective is one that I think we all need to hear; and so, before I say any more, here is a note from my friend Annie: 

“’How are you?’ 

In our culture, these words are common pleasantry, synonymous with hello. What's more, we automatically expect a positive response from the individual. 

Why are we so afraid to open up when presented with this question? Most of us mask when we are hurting, quickly responding with 'fine' or maybe even 'great.' 

These three words are a great source of discomfort for me. As a 32-year-old widow, I cannot and refuse to give the expected 'fine' response. I am struggling. I somehow have found myself in a room where the walls are caving in, gasping for enough air to keep me alive. That is how everyday feels like when you are living with grief. If you can't relate then consider yourself blessed.  

An honest response should not make anyone uncomfortable. Challenge yourself to be honest and maybe even vulnerable. If you catch yourself on the flip side of it, know the person doesn't expect you to solve their problem. A simple acknowledgement will make all the difference.”

Annie’s words are so damn powerful.

Honestly, I typed and deleted and typed and deleted my thoughts to what she wrote for what seemed like a hundred times. What she said is deserving of a mic drop. 

I know and believe with every ounce of my heart that we do not have to have the answers.

Our words do not have to be perfect.

My words do not have to be perfect, and neither do yours. We are not expected to say the right thing to make someone else’s pain or suffering go away. And quite frankly, I think it is safe to say that nobody is expecting us to do that. We cannot do that. What we can do is offer empathy and love by meeting people right where they are at, without trying to change or fix them.

We can start by shifting what it means to ask, and respond to, how are you?

It is not that we have to divulge every detail of our experience, but rather it is giving ourselves permission to state how we truly feel, to give what we feel a name that is greater than the glossy, simple words of fine, good, and great.

Vulnerability is opening ourselves up. It is feeling what we are feeling. It is being authentic to our experience and the experiences of those around us. Vulnerability is not pretending. It is welcoming the fact that you are human and that you are imperfect. It is remembering that life is hard sometimes. It is taking the good with the bad, it is honoring that we all have stories to tell. It is telling. It is listening.

At the end of the day, we all want to feel heard, to feel understood.

The next time someone asks how you are doing, I encourage you to pause, and find a word that really validates your experience. Whether you are excited, relaxed, busy, or sad, honor yourself by naming how you really feel. As Annie said above, it is likely that the other person may experience discomfort in your honesty, but just maybe, they will be inspired to be vulnerable too.

3 Daily Habits to Stop Overwhelm Now

I remember the days of going through the motions.

The moment I would get to work (heck, the moment I rolled out of bed to get ready for work!) my brain began creating the list.

You know the list.

The list of every single thing you need to tackle for the day. Work to-do's and at home to do’s are definitely part of the list. So are personal to-do’s, like squeezing in a workout or getting a hair cut; those things need to get done too.

[Cue the overwhelm.]

The thing is, overwhelm is really masking a deeper underlying feeling. Tired? Yes. Frustrated? Possibly. Afraid? Yep.

The feeling of fear is almost always underlying overwhelm. Fear of not living our lives with time to do the things we love, time to live life with energy, or time to be present with our people.

Really, the fear is about not having time.

Relieving the overwhelm is key. In my early twenties, the relief was not so positive. I did things like tune-out or binge eat on chocolate to absorb the underlying feelings. It wasn’t until my late twenties, where I started to learn some more effective tools of self-love where I was able to manage my real feelings by you know, feeling them.  ;-)

So no matter how chaotic or busy life seems right now, I want to share with you 3 daily habits that will help prevent overwhelm. They are my go-to for releasing anxiety around everything I have going on, while ultimately creating more time for me.

1.  Do a daily download. Write out any and every little thing you have to do for the day. Create a massive list. Just get it all out on paper. Laundry. Nails. Copies. Whatever you have to do. Write it all out.

2.  Narrow down your TOP 3. Look back at your list. What are the top 3 things that will give you the most fulfillment in getting done today? What has to get done? Choose 3 things from your daily download list. Write it down.

3.  Prioritize You. Go back to your top 3 and see if you added at least one thing to do for yourself. Workout? Meditate? Go for a walk? Whatever the thing is that you know you need to do for yourself, be sure you do it. Find a spot to fit in your top 3 today.

I always ask myself, how urgent are my to-do’s for other people? If I’m really being honest with myself, I usually see right away that I am prioritizing others before myself. I want you to get honest with yourself too. Ask yourself how much of your time are you giving away to others before doing something thing for you?

Creating a top 3 has become part of my daily routine. It gives me relief to visually see that among all the things I feel like I need to do, there are only a handful of things that really need to get done. Most of the other stuff can wait.

A powerful daily routine lays the foundation for how we do our day. For those of you who have not already accessed my Daily Routines Workbook, be sure to get yours below. It has all my tips and tricks for starting your day off in the right mind space.

My motto: It starts with how we start!

It's Time to Reframe Balance

Balance.

What comes up for you when you hear the word?

It used to be something I actively strived for. Healthy eating, fit body. Lively social life. Organization. Structure with work. Routine at home. Having these things meant I was getting it right-- that my life was in balance.

Lately I have been rethinking the word and what it really means beyond these things.  

Balance in sharing my most personal stories and maintaining that part that chooses to remain private.
Balance in saying yes to new experiences and not being disappointed when saying no is the best option.
Balance in leaning into some relationships and veering back from others.

This last month has been a real season of change and acceptance. I am learning every day to trust myself in making the best decision moment by moment, and to be okay with those very choices. 

What is balance looking like for you right now? What are the things you are needing to accept and let go of?

A great place to start is by looking at what has changed in your life.

What relationships have grown, or possibly become distant? What new chapters have started in your life recently? What realizations have you had that are coming to light? 

Lay it out in your mind or write it down.

As you look back on the moving parts of your life, try to visualize the word BALANCE.  

When we are experiencing a lot of change, it can feel tough to think of our lives as being in balance. The idea of the word meaning that everything is perfectly in alignment has got to go.

Reframing it as growth and constant change, with constant moving parts, and acceptance and reflection, allows us the opportunity to be a little kinder to ourselves as we see what is in front of us.

You are doing the best you can, every day. 

Balance is ebbing and flowing with your life. 

Here's to ebbing. Here's to flowing. 

How to Stop Letting Comparison Get in the Way

I met with a client recently who is planning to launch her own business at the end of spring. She has all the things laid out.

• Website

• Photos

• Marketing plan

• Opt-in for her site

• Blog

Work is in motion. Progress is being made. There is pride. And there is also fear. Lots of it in fact.

Fear shows up in the form of “not being enough.”

It looks like getting up in the morning to knock off a few things on the list of to-do’s, getting side-tracked by checking emails, then checking social media, and then checking out another website from a professional in the same industry.

The comparison kicks in:

SHE has more followers.
SHE is really successful.
SHE has awesome products.
SHE is so talented.

The thoughts keep rolling, and by my next session with my client, she has totally convinced herself to just stop. To throw in the towel. Someone is already doing what she wants to do, and doing it better. Why waste my time?, she says.

Someone out there IS doing something similar yes. The easy thing to do is to stop and give up. To let go of the ambition, the fight, the determination, the hard work. To say enough is enough.

But is that what SHE did? Did SHE get where SHE is by stopping? No. We get where we go in life by charging through, even when the going gets tough.

Whether, like my client, you are contemplating starting your own business, or you are dealing with other personal matters where you see other people totally thriving, try to remember that we ALL have had our mountains to climb, battles to fight, and roads to cross.

We have to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

That’s how we get the thing we want so badly for ourselves. By showing up, and doing the work, even when that part of us is convinced SHE is doing it better.

SHE is out there doing it in her own, unique way. Her voice and her stories are her own. Nobody out there can do it your way, other than you.

So get out there and be your own SHE.

Tell your stories. Own your voice. Do your important work.

SHE is waiting.