Recently I posted one of my all time favorite quotes to Instagram, “You are enough.” With it being flooded all over social media, I knew I needed to explain more, as these 3 simple words have completely changed my life.
Several years ago, I was going through one of the hardest times of my life. I was in my mid-twenties and trying to figure it all out. In many ways, the girl who had come out of foster care, been in the most incredible long-term relationship, and landed her dream job as an elementary classroom teacher, had finally “made it.” I had achieved so much of what I had wanted for myself as a young girl. Yet, there was a part of me that was really scared. For so much of my life, I had a plan. I knew where I was going. I knew exactly what I wanted.
Now, here I was, an adult, with many of the things I had always wanted right in front of me, and somehow felt incomplete and less than.
As the feelings grew and intensified, thoughts of “you’re not enough” or anything else laced with pure judgment would sweep my mind whenever I didn’t do or say something the way my growing perfectionist had expected of me.
Fortunately, there was also that loving and compassionate part of me who recognized that I did not deserve to treat myself, of all people, in such a way. Over time, with lots of support and help, I started to rewire my brain for positivity.
Part of that process involved mindfulness, where I learned how to be more in the moment and really listen to my thoughts. Whenever I would catch myself berating my actions or saying the most critical things, I developed a phrase to gently combat those thoughts.
You are enough.
The simple 3-word message is still on repeat, even today, whenever my perfectionist tries to hold me to the highest standard. I gently tell her that it’s okay, that I’ve got this, and that I do not need her to take such tough care of me anymore.
This, is an affirmation. This is my affirmation. Every day.
Creating your own affirmation starts with listening to your thought reel. What’s going on in that mind of yours? Pay attention to your thoughts—the sneaky little critical voice that is really trying to keep you at your best so that you show up in the world as your most dazzling self. The thing is, by responding gently back to that critical voice, you will be showing her that you too, just like me, have got this, and that you do not need her to take such strong care of you.
As you listen, you will hear the message loud and clear that is on repeat. You can then turn that nagging thought into something more positive and loving. It will feel like a total LIE in the beginning as you try replacing the negative thought with the more kind one.
But over time, as you get in the habit of checking your perfectionista, the less you will find she talks to you.
It's time to take inventory of your tribe
Who are the people who make up your tribe? Maybe you’ve got a handsome guy in your life, family members, friends?
Whoever your people are, take a quick inventory and ask yourself the following questions:
Do they build you up?
Do they make you want to be the best version of yourself?
Do they inspire you by how they live their own lives?
If you answered yes to all of these questions, then you’ve got yourself one heck of a tribe! For any person in your life who you answered no, don’t worry, I got you.
We want the people we interact with on a daily basis to bring out our best selves. We want to feel good when we are around them, and we want to walk away feeling inspired and energized from being in their presence. A few years back, I had a friend who was like family. We hung out together all the time, got along great and were always there for each other. But then, some time went by, we both traveled, and eventually we grew apart. When we came back, the things around us were the same, but we were not. Our friendship had changed. I suddenly found that my answer was ‘no’ to all those questions above when I thought about my friendship with this particular friend. Knowing that I cannot change other people, I gradually let her go. Was there ever a hard conversation around it? No. We simply went our separate ways. To this day we have a very amicable and friendly surface level relationship which I think we are both okay with. We can look back on the days when we were attached at the hip with fondness and good laughs, but also honor where we are in our lives today, separately.
I’m sharing this with you because there might be some people in your life who you are realizing you are having a similar disconnect with. I want to remind you to give yourself permission to let these people go if you know deep down this is not a positive relationship. I have experienced this before with very close family members as well. There are some people who I have distanced myself from completely because of the toxicity. There are others who I see at gatherings only. The point is, it is a two-way street, and if on your side of the street you are feeling discouraged and drained, then it might be time to turn a corner and say goodbye once and for all.
Hopefully, you likely will not have many, if any, people in your life who you need to set such hard boundaries with. More than likely, you have a few people you can think of who you are wishing you had stronger, more enriching relationships with.
The best thing you can do is look at the qualities in them that you love and appreciate and gravitate towards those. What kinds of situations bring out the best in them? When are they displaying the qualities you love? Those are the kinds of settings to meet them in. Get clear on what circumstances bring out the qualities in them you wish to avoid. Create distance when it comes to those specific circumstances. In other words, stay away from them in those instances.
If we want to have a resounding ‘yes’ for all three of those questions when it comes to our tribe, we have to identify what it is that we are wanting from our tribe in the first place. What kind of qualities do we want to see in our people?
Are you living those very qualities out in your own life? In many ways, this all breaks down to the law of attraction.
You attract what you choose to focus on. If you want to be around other passionate, energetic people, you have to create more passion and energy within yourself. I know this might come off as such a simple idea, but we both know it is the furthest from it. These are the specific things I work on with my clients, and they take time. But it does work. It absolutely works.
Why I Left My Career and How Fear Almost Got in the Way
One year ago I officially left my job.
I remember the fear. I was filled with so much anxious energy, but knew in my heart it was time. It was time to take control of what I wanted. Things weren’t going to change unless I did and I knew it was time to do something.
The fear lingered for a year prior to me actually taking action. I knew I wanted to leave, but fear paralyzed me. I had spent years working to establish myself in my profession as an educator and was scared of what my peers would think of me. I was worried that they would deem me to have been “unhappy” in my job. Sure, it was stressful at times, and the work load was heavier than ever, but nothing compared to the relationships I was able to build with my students and their families. I treasured working with children and the camaraderie with my teacher friends. It was truly a gratifying and fulfilling career.
But it was everything in between that had me tired. I would wake up at 5am to squeeze a brief workout in to then rush to work. I would get all the things ready before my young learners would arrive. The day would press on and my afternoons would be filled with meetings. My nights consisted of grading papers while my students’ lives consumed my mind. By 8pm, I was exhausted with barely enough energy left for my husband, family, and friends. For a job that I liked so much, I was completely drained.
This was not the life I had envisioned for myself. I craved more for myself. At the time I just didn’t know what else could make me happier than working with kids. That is, not until I discovered life coaching.
I finally felt a call to do something that was greater than the call I felt to teach.
This was the motivation I needed to take action and create change. And so I did. That year, I started the process of becoming a Certified Professional Life Coach. Suddenly, other doors started opening too. My administrators offered me an opportunity to work in an instructional coaching role in my school district. This change coupled with the incredible tools I was learning throughout my life coach training empowered me to see new ways that I could serve people. Through sharing in the growth and change of my own clients, I started to believe in the coaching process. I started to believe in my coaching process. This gave me a newfound self-confidence that I did not have before that I was enough. I am enough.
So I leaped. I decided it was time to leave a job I liked for a job I loved.
A vast majority of my colleagues gave me nothing but support, encouragement and love. They knew that I was following a passion and respected that deeply. However, some of my peers shared their own fears and skepticism that my choice stirred up for them. How could I give up my teacher tenure (job security), pension (financial security), and health benefits (health security)? My take on it? Nothing is secure. Absolutely nothing in this life is secure.
All the stability I need is already right inside of me. I create that for me. Realizing this gave me the faith in myself to leap and choose freedom.
Freedom to wake up when my body says so.
Freedom to create my own schedule.
Freedom to take as many personal days as I need.
Freedom to work with people the way I want.
Freedom.
Freedom because I already have stability.
What Stories Will Your Little Old Lady Self Tell?
I vividly remember my great Aunt Ronnie's stories. The long talks I had with her as an adult, realizing the youth behind the sweet wrinkled face of the 92-year-old woman who had sat in front of me. Getting to know the treasured times of her life that she carried so fondly in her heart remind me today to hold on tightly to my own happy memories.
That time I was with my husband in Kefalonia, Greece sitting on the shore of a beach fit perfectly for two where we felt completely removed from the world.
That time I was a freshman in college, laying on the bed I had just made, resting my head on the pillow that night, and knowing with profound gratitude that I was exactly where I was supposed to be.
That time I looked out at a sea of smiles where my favorite people danced and celebrated together, all in one place, on my wedding day.
All was well. Things were just peacefully so.
These times are among my happiest. They are the stories I relive in my mind when I need them most. Some are big, magical moments and others are small, simple ones.
What are your happy moments? What are the stories your sweet old lady self will revel in someday? Travel back in time where you felt more alive than ever before and capture it in your mind as you would with a camera.
Then try it again. Keep on adding your favorite moments until you have a mini-collection. Access the greatest times of your life when you need them. They are there just for you, so take advantage of them, love.
Bonus points, always, for repeating often.
3 Steps to Uncovering Your Limiting Beliefs
I want to let you in on one of my top coaching secrets. It's part mindfulness, part strategy, and part truth or dare. And it's my favorite tool to find out what the heck is holding us back.
Let me walk you through how to do it with one of my own personal examples that happened to me just yesterday. It started like this:
Eating well is so hard.
The thought came to me early in the morning as I was about to start my day. Strange. I wasn’t hungry. I hadn’t done anything yet, but slightly roll over in bed.
Sneaky little thought.
Had I not recognized it, here’s a likely scenario that may have followed:
1. Hit the snooze button.
2. Skip workout.
3. Eat foods that do not make me feel my best.
4. Become lethargic and tired.
Fortunately, this little scenario did not play out because I noticed the thought just in time.
This here is a limiting belief—an idea we BELIEVE TO BE true that ultimately holds us back.
Most of the time we do not even know the thought is there.
So how do we not get caught up in the cycle of our limiting beliefs?
Here's where mindfulness comes in:
1. start BY paying attention to Your thoughts.
I recommend doing it for 3 days and keeping a log in a notebook or journal [cue strategy]. Make a 3-column chart. In the top left, write “belief,” in the middle, write “true/false,” and in the right column write “new belief.” As you notice the beliefs, record them in the “belief” column and then ask yourself, is this belief true or false? In my scenario above, the belief, “eating well is so hard” is false. It really isn’t so hard. Sure, it’s not the easiest thing to do at first, but really, when it comes down to it, it just takes some practice. [It's truth time!] In the final column, I would rewrite the belief as something I would like to think instead. So for example, my new belief might be, “eating well is a healthy daily practice” or “eating well feels good.”
2. Ask yourself, "how true is it?"
Sometimes we have held certain limiting beliefs for so long that they feel absolutely true to us. So after you deem a belief to be true, be sure you are really considering how true it is. We have to also check in with ourselves how the belief makes us feel. So for example, a limiting belief a client of mine had about her current relationship was that she “can’t fully trust him.” This belief rang very true for her in a former relationship, so it felt scary to abandon it now. It had been protecting her from getting hurt in her current relationship. But it was also keeping her from experiencing all the joy that comes with it. If you don’t go all in, you can’t receive the good (and the bad) that may come with it. So in this example, the belief was making her feel protected, which is why it was there and why she believed it to be true for so long. However, recognizing that the belief was limiting and that it was holding her back allowed her to start rephrasing the belief in her mind when it would pop up. She would rephrase it to, “trusting someone I love and care about is healthy for me.”
3. Anticipate the discomfort of the new belief.
Disclaimer: when we rewrite the script of a limiting belief it can feel like a lie. It takes time to believe the new idea. Know that this is the real work that requires a lot of practice and patience to change old thinking that just doesn’t serve us well.
Try it ON.
Pay attention to your thoughts. Do the journaling activity. Rewrite and tell yourself the new belief you choose to believe instead. Do it for 3 days.
After you're finished, I'd love to hear the limiting belief that’s been on your thought reel and the new truth you choose to hold instead. Find me over on Instagram and tell me about it!